I’ve always been an animal lover.  When I was little we had a family friend who owned and bred Doberman Pinschers.  She had two she kept called Beauty and Beast.  These were two of the kindest, most loveable and most well behaved dogs that have ever lived and I was lucky they were, because I used to put them to the test.

I would pull them and push them.  I would roughly stroke them in the way only a 3-year-old knows how.  I would ‘take them to the dentist’ which meant prodding and poking around their mouths, lifting their jowls (do dogs have jowls?) and manoeuvring their tongues about to make
sure I got the best view possible.  Never once did either of these dogs ever exhibit any aggressive behaviour. Ever. If they had though, I really wouldn’t have blamed them. Why? Keep reading.

One day I discovered that Beast lifted his leg to pee.  I found this fascinating.  I mean, I had to sit down to pee, (no nevermind I was a human female) and this leg lifty thing seemed infinitely awesome to my underdeveloped brain.  So, I decided to try it.

I found that I had to prop one leg on the wall/tree/nearest vertical surface to accomplish this feat. But I think even then I was aware that shouldn’t urinate anywhere butthe toilet unless you were camping, so I had to find somewhere to do this discreetly.  I couldn’t very well pee on the floor, that’s positively barbaric!

So I decided to piss on the dogs.  I mean, their fur had to be a little absorbent, didn’t it?

I didn’t do this just once, oh no, this went on for a week or so. Every time I had to tinkle.  I think the biggest thing that made me stop is that their owner thought the dogs were wetting themselves. That and the sad pathetic look on Beauty’s face, as if to say ‘Again? Really?? Okay.’  I remember her saying ‘Where the HELL is that smell coming from?’, realised it was the dogs,relegated them to an outdoor area for a while and I felt bad that I had lost my playmates.  I don’t know if she ever figured out it was me peeing on them.

I also hope they forgive me from doggy heaven.


Please don't pee on me. In return, I won't eat your face off in your sleep.

Please don’t pee on me. In return, I won’t eat your face off in your sleep.