‘What’s the first thing you would do with £100 million?’ asked the man in the elevator.
I rattled off what is very likely the standard answer most people give- take care of my family, donate to charity, maybe buy a new car (well, not a new car, I’d be rich, not stupid). Then after more thought there’s the second part of the answer- buy a house, travel and help out my friends. But I feel bad about these answers, because they’re not true. Well, they are, but they are not the first thing I would do. The real answer is much, much weirder.
I would buy dirt.
Let me clarify. I would buy a dumptruck full of soil, have it dropped in my backyard, mist it ever so slightly with a hose and dive in. Roll around in it naked like the happiest little piggy in the world and smile. I would do this for a week. Then once the week was done, I would have another truck full of dirt delivered and repeat the process.
Anytime I was feeling down? Dumptruck. When I’m having a party? Dumptruck. Somebody needs a gift for their birthday? Dumptruck.
I adore the smell of fresh, clean potting soil. I like the feel of it under my feet and between my fingers. I like it so much I sometimes feel like I want to eat it. Yes, eat it. Dirt pie, mmmmmm.
I’ll stop before this devolves into some kind of creepy dirt porn post or I completely freak you out. But if you bought me a sack of potting soil for Christmas? I wouldn’t be mad.
p.s. I would also but a ceramic shop and a cigar factory with the money. My reasons for this are entirely kosher, I swear.