What’s the first thing you would do with £100 million?’ asked the man in the elevator.


I rattled off what is very likely the standard answer most people give- take care of my family, donate to charity, maybe buy a new car (well, not a new car, I’d be rich, not stupid).  Then after more thought there’s the second part of the answer- buy a house, travel and help out my friends.  But I feel bad about these answers, because they’re not true.  Well, they are, but they are not the first thing I would do.  The real answer is much, much weirder.

I would buy dirt.


Let me clarify. I would buy a dumptruck full of soil, have it dropped in my backyard, mist it ever so slightly with a hose and dive in.  Roll around in it naked like the happiest little piggy in the world and smile.  I would do this for a week.  Then once the week was done, I would have another truck full of dirt delivered and repeat the process.

Anytime I was feeling down?  Dumptruck. When I’m having a party? Dumptruck.  Somebody needs a gift for their birthday? Dumptruck.

I adore the smell of fresh, clean potting soil.  I like the feel of it under my feet and between my fingers.  I like it so much I sometimes feel like I want to eat it. Yes, eat it.  Dirt pie, mmmmmm.

I’ll stop before this devolves into some kind of creepy dirt porn post or I completely freak you out.  But if you bought me a sack of potting soil for Christmas?  I wouldn’t be mad.


Oh Dirt-y, you so Purty!

Oh Dirt-y, you so Purty!


p.s. I would also but a ceramic shop and a cigar factory with the money. My reasons for this are entirely kosher, I swear.