Obviously, they are not as evolved as us platypii…es…uses…ussy Whatever.
You know you have an incredible mum because when you were younger she let you make your own mistakes , but knew when it was time to step in and give you a hand or help you pick up the pieces.
You know you have an amazing mum when you suddenly realise as an adult that there were many times when she went without, but never saddled you with the burden of knowing that.
You know she’s extraordinary in that she’ll always be there to listen to you bitch and moan, and isn’t just sitting on the other end of the phone waiting to speak.
But you know your mum has officially entered the realm of UNBELIEVABLY BATSHITTINGLY AWESOME when you ask her, ‘Can you draw me a bag of dicks?’ And she doesn’t even question you about it, this just shows up in your inbox two days later.
Thanks mum, you’re so fucking money.
Farting becomes less an embarrassment and more an all out hilarity producing olfactory assault. First person to leave the room loses. Extra points to the person who can best impersonate their favourite animal or successfully poot the closing notes of the 1812 Overture.
The bathroom door never closes…
‘What’s the first thing you would do with £100 million?’ asked the man in the elevator.
I rattled off what is very likely the standard answer most people give- take care of my family, donate to charity, maybe buy a new car (well, not a new car, I’d be rich, not stupid). Then after more thought there’s the second part of the answer- buy a house, travel and help out my friends. But I feel bad about these answers, because they’re not true. Well, they are, but they are not the first thing I would do. The real answer is much, much weirder.
I would buy dirt.
Let me clarify. I would buy a dumptruck full of soil, have it dropped in my backyard, mist it ever so slightly with a hose and dive in. Roll around in it naked like the happiest little piggy in the world and smile. I would do this for a week. Then once the week was done, I would have another truck full of dirt delivered and repeat the process.
Anytime I was feeling down? Dumptruck. When I’m having a party? Dumptruck. Somebody needs a gift for their birthday? Dumptruck.
I adore the smell of fresh, clean potting soil. I like the feel of it under my feet and between my fingers. I like it so much I sometimes feel like I want to eat it. Yes, eat it. Dirt pie, mmmmmm.
I’ll stop before this devolves into some kind of creepy dirt porn post or I completely freak you out. But if you bought me a sack of potting soil for Christmas? I wouldn’t be mad.
p.s. I would also but a ceramic shop and a cigar factory with the money. My reasons for this are entirely kosher, I swear.
I am under no delusions of grandeur that this blog is wildly popular by any means. It serves as more an exercise in mental masturbation for me and hopefully gives the few people who actually know about it a giggle. But there has been a disturbing trend pretty much since its inception. People seem to stumble upon my little corner of the internet in search of Platypus Poop.
The top searches that lead people here are in short: platypus poop, platypus f(a)eces, platypus droppings and platypus shit. (More recently the searches have diversified into the realms of what Dobermans think, ant pile and badass chilli, though they are a small percentage.) I feel kind of bad about this, particularly if it’s some poor kid attempting to research the humble platypus and its respective poo, only to be accosted by a slightly unhinged and sweary collection of stories written by a slightly unhinged and sweary expat with a bit too much time on her hands.
It got me thinking though, how could people find this particular blog with that particular combination of words? So I did my own search and found something incredibly interesting. There is a huge hole in the interwebs regarding the toilet habits and, er, leavings of the platypus. So, young friends, I am here to help you.
As the platypus is a small mammal that has a varied diet of plants, larvae and small freshwater shrimp I would reckon that their poop is probably small and pellet like. Similar to that of a rabbit (maybe?). Deeper (much, much deeper) searching leads me to another assessment that it resembles hamster poo, but I don’t know how accurate this is because the domestic hamster and the platypus are very different creatures.
So let’s say rabbit/hamster to settle the debate. And there you have it. If there’s anyone out there that actually knows what it looks like or has a picture of said shiz, I would appreciate your input. Because, and I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, when I do an image search for it this website pops up not once or twice, but FIVE times, on the first page no less. There is a hankering for this information, folks, so I’m just trying to fill the gap. I appreciate that my photos are turning up in a search, but I can’t imagine the thoughts that must run through people’s minds when they’re conducting a simple search to satisfy their curiosity and are accosted by a giant bowl of refried beans. Which, may resemble crap but I assure you tastes infinitely better.
Also, there seems to be another search that brings people here and that is platypus meat. And…seriously?!? Platypus meat? Why? Do people actually eat platypus?
What do they taste like?
As for the remainder of the searches- Dobermans probably mostly think about chasing things and likely don’t really care for getting pissed on, ant piles can be dangerous and painful, and badass chilli is just that. Bad. Ass.