Okay, let me start with this, I f*cking LOVE food.
This could be exotically spicy Tom Yum Talay OR
Reconstituted Cat Vomit
These could be Tender and Succulent Chiken Satay Skewers OR
Premature FaceHuggers waiting for their moment to pounce
This could be the Chef’s Own Special Saag Lamb OR
Proof of Life on Uranus
Enter restaurant/pick out amazing ingredients
Peruse menu and select delicious foodstuffs to fill my belly/cook beautifully tasty & nutritious meal
Experience apoplectic fits of glee when my plate is placed before me
Immediately shove my face into said plate thereby impressing my dinner mates with how long I can hold my breath
Come up for air three quarters of the way through eating and I think that it would be ‘Supercool to document this experience and share it, yay!’
Attempt to rearrange food on plate so it doesn’t look like it was danced on by a rabid possum
Take another photo
Take another photo
Take 12 more photos from various angles hoping that one of them will look even a tenth as good as it tasted
Once I get the photos on a larger screen realize they all look like toddler vomit covered in a thick layer of cow drool
Forget about the last atrocity the next time I’m enjoying a wonderful meal and repeat above steps in an infinite happiness/disappointment loop
I said, bad…ass.
- One medium onion
- One green, red or yellow pepper (your preference)
- Small packet of minced steak (250g) (I didn’t use mince, but modified the recipe for it, but don’t use ‘ground beef’ it’s bullshit …for reals)
- Kidney Beans
- Fūl (aka Fava Beans)
- Fresh plum tomatoes, diced
- Tinned plum tomatoes (I know they’re the same thing STFU)
- Cayenne Pepper
- Johnny’s (or equivalent) to taste
- Chopped Jalapenos (if you want this shit to taste like Rick James)
Cook that shit. Mix that shit. Stir that shit for at least 30 minutes (MUCH longer if you used proper meat)
Eat the hell out of that shit. (But it’s best to wait til the next day)
- Remove from fridge
- Spread on tortilla
- Add Cheese
- Add sour cream
- Add some fucking ham if you want
- Eat with some green shit…if you’re a pussy
Dear High Street purveyor of ‘delicious’ lunchtime meals,
It’s like a Dali painting. ‘Toyed it, my heart’, obscure and abhorrently delectible!
I’ll be a-giggling while I consume your soul!
I heart you 98.2% of the time. Just not when you start peeping at two in the morning. Look, I know it’s raining, hard, and that makes it difficult to bed down. I know we just got those nifty LED lights down our road that makes it seem like daylight all the time. But for F*CKS SAKE! Shut the hells up. For reals.
Birdies, I really like you, but I may not slam on my breaks the next time one of your brethren are in the road I’m driving down. Am I kidding? Try me.