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Things I probably shouldn’t have pissed on (in) #3

It says- I’m tired of eating your excrement and various bodily juices!

It says- Hey asshole!  I’m tired of looking at your asshole! Asshole!

It says- I will forever regurgitate Mr. Brownies until you treat me with some damn respect!


That Motherfu%king toilet bastard.

Eat Shit! Oh, you do? Sorry. Enjoy!

Eat Shit! Oh, you do? Sorry. Enjoy!

Oh my Zeus’s butthole! (douchebag boyfriend edition)

I live in a tiny, quiet ‘burg, so the shouts and loud conversations that are a particular part of everyday train journeys and city life for most people usually don’t make it down my way.  Today was a different day.  Today was the Day of the Douchebag.

I get on the train, as I usually do, but I get on to hear a man berating someone.  At first I think it’s a phone conversation. Because, most of the time (in this digital age) when someone’s going off on another person they prefer to not do it face to face.  I was astounded when I got off the train a few stops later that this man was not on the phone but speaking to his girlfriend; then out shuffles this man’s girlfriend.  (Don’t get me wrong about the ‘shuffles’ comment this girl was no slouch- this chick was B-E-A-utiful.) They had managed to stop fighting for the two minutes it takes to exit the train/station, but you could see on his face he wasn’t done telling her off.

I learned the truth of my initial assessment when I saw the two of them at the pub about 30 minutes later.  I stopped in for lunch.  He apparently stopped in for a few drinks and some verbal abuse.

In the end, I overheard (eavesdropped) what the argument was about.  Apparently, she had shown a nasty text he sent to her to one of her girlfriends while they were having a row and he was wicked pissed about it.

Okay, I get it dude, you are pissed that your girlfriend vented your personal problems to someone other than you.  You’re mad that she shared your ‘issues’ with one of her mates.   Which, sorry, women are wont to do from time to time.  But then you proceed to call her out, repeatedly, in a public forum for strangers to hear?  Hypocrite much?

He seems to let it go, asks her if she wants some crisps.  She says yes.  He eats all the crisps.  Happily. Not sharing them with her. Shithead.


After he finished the crispy deliciousness, he then starts in on her again. He’s having a proper piss fit about the same old shit that he was going on about twenty minutes before!  Seriously, asshat?  You deny your lady some crispy cheese ‘n onion delights and then have another go at her over something you seemingly resolved?

Fuck off.

I wanna smack you.  I want to shake your lady out of her lack-of-cheese-and-onion-goodness coma.  Because she’s sitting there, obviously hungry nodding and ‘okaying’ your tosspottery, like a good little lamb. You. Absolute. Fucktard.

If she was smart, she’d tell you to take your text message bullshit and stick it right up your overly tight ass.  She’d let you know you’re a cockhole.  She’d use all the swear words, wit and charm her momma gave her to leave you sitting there crying over your pint to your friends about ‘the one who got away’, cos you’re a fecking imbecile.  But she doesn’t.  Sigh.

She forgives you…cries her tears and leaves with you.  Ugh.

You, Mister Douchebag Boyfriend, must have a ridiculously huge penis, or have retardedly specialised lingual skills.  Because any sane woman would need a proper excuse to put up with your sorry ass.
For reals. You blonde-bearded poopchute.

May you crap razorblades for the next four days.  As it were.

Poppies will cut you


Things I probably shouldn’t have pissed on…deux

I’ve always been an animal lover.  When I was little we had a family friend who owned and bred Doberman Pinschers.  She had two she kept called Beauty and Beast.  These were two of the kindest, most loveable and most well behaved dogs that have ever lived and I was lucky they were, because I used to put them to the test.

I would pull them and push them.  I would roughly stroke them in the way only a 3-year-old knows how.  I would ‘take them to the dentist’ which meant prodding and poking around their mouths, lifting their jowls (do dogs have jowls?) and manoeuvring their tongues about to make
sure I got the best view possible.  Never once did either of these dogs ever exhibit any aggressive behaviour. Ever. If they had though, I really wouldn’t have blamed them. Why? Keep reading.

One day I discovered that Beast lifted his leg to pee.  I found this fascinating.  I mean, I had to sit down to pee, (no nevermind I was a human female) and this leg lifty thing seemed infinitely awesome to my underdeveloped brain.  So, I decided to try it.

I found that I had to prop one leg on the wall/tree/nearest vertical surface to accomplish this feat. But I think even then I was aware that shouldn’t urinate anywhere butthe toilet unless you were camping, so I had to find somewhere to do this discreetly.  I couldn’t very well pee on the floor, that’s positively barbaric!

So I decided to piss on the dogs.  I mean, their fur had to be a little absorbent, didn’t it?

I didn’t do this just once, oh no, this went on for a week or so. Every time I had to tinkle.  I think the biggest thing that made me stop is that their owner thought the dogs were wetting themselves. That and the sad pathetic look on Beauty’s face, as if to say ‘Again? Really?? Okay.’  I remember her saying ‘Where the HELL is that smell coming from?’, realised it was the dogs,relegated them to an outdoor area for a while and I felt bad that I had lost my playmates.  I don’t know if she ever figured out it was me peeing on them.

I also hope they forgive me from doggy heaven.


Please don't pee on me. In return, I won't eat your face off in your sleep.

Please don’t pee on me. In return, I won’t eat your face off in your sleep.

They have a lot to answer for!

What are they launching? WHY ARE THEY APOLOGIES?  What are they available for?



I was at the launch.  Jealous?

Platypus Poop

I know what you’re looking for you sick freak! Stop it!


Cemetery cat part deux


Things I probably shouldn’t have pissed on #1

I think it says something about me that I have enough
foresight to know that there is going to be more than one of these stories.  Apparently my lack of shame started at a very young age…

Anyway, here’s #1, no pun intended.

When I was a kid we lived on a 25 acre farm and a healthy
collection of fire ant piles were dotted around the property. I don’t know what
possessed me to do it, but one day I decided that it might be fun to pee on one
of said piles. Well, as luck would have it, I lost my balance and fell ass
first into the pile where I was set upon almost immediately by hundreds of
angry ants that obviously didn’t think it was as funny to be pissed on as I

Every time I tried to get up I would stumble because of the pain and end up
grinding my ass further into the pile. When I finally managed to get up and run
inside to tell my mom, covered in ant bites and piss, all she could do was
laugh at me.  (This will be a reoccurring theme, I don’t blame her one bit)

In all, I was bitten/stung about 300 times with about half of those concentrated
around my poopchute. The following 2 weeks were probably the itchiest of my
life, and my mom still devolves into fits of giggles upon seeing an ant pile.




Don’t let it get you down…

This is not my native soil.
This is not my native city. But I am heartbroken as though it were.

I do not own a shop.
I have not lost any goods or money or my livelihood in the last few
days. But I have felt on the verge of tears reading about and watching those
who have.

They keep using words like mindless, disaffected and immoral.
I think mindful, wanton and apathetic seem more accurate.

You are not revolutionaries, activists or provocateurs. Your
lack of a wide-screen television, latest mobile phone or bottle of Chardonnay does
not qualify you as the next Susan B. Anthony or Martin Luther King Jr.

And closet racists who think it’s okay to come out now and
let us know how you really feel?  You’re
part of the problem, not the solution. Please, I implore you, shut the f**k up.

I feel like I should be angry, but I am just sad.

I have hope for tomorrow. Because, Britain, you’re beautiful. Even
with all your flaws.

Cemetery Cat



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